Having a baby is not the story of love you would think it is before u actually give birth.
The fact is the baby and you don’t just stare at each other in love. Its rather you looking at him and giving everything.
Your time. Your thoughts. Your love. Your nights.
Everyday a little more tired, but everyday here and present. Everyday replying : I’m here mum, I’m coming mum, don’t cry mum.
Every damn day.
When you think that you can’t take it anymore, you are still there, standing on your feet. You used to swear that you would never cope being deprived of sleep but here you are, deprived of sleep, and still standing on your feet.
Overcoming, enduring, giving.
Looks like a battle but it’s not. There’s nobody to fight against to, there’s no battlefield, there’s only you and your baby. The turmoil that agitates you is inside. It’s between you and you. You and the mother who is becoming. You and this part of yourself that is drastically changing. You and this emerging you who is becoming….
The contemporary conditions of mothering are not easy and you might think like many mums that you are just crazy before even blaming the lack of support of the society you live in.
Yet, you are the giver. Doing almost everything by yourself.
Giving. Giving. Giving.
And the baby just takes it. In return you will never hear thank you or have a kiss back. He takes, takes, takes.
And you just give, give, give.
It might be the first time actually in your life that you’re basically just giving. And not expecting anything in return because simply it’s in the baby’s nature to receive and it’s in the mother’s nature to give. Look at the Mama earth, it never stopped giving.
Just like the rain pours the ground, it just rains, rains, rains, and in the beginning nothing comes out from the rain. The ground is flooded with water.
You reach this point where you question yourself. Why did I become a mother? Why am I so tired? Am I doing something wrong? Am I a bad mother?
You might torture yourself, you might even get depressed. But, in the meantime, you are growing inside of you the mother. Whoever is this mother, depressed or not, she is still the mother. She is still the number one caregiver to this child.
And it is you.
And here you are, transforming, growing, and giving this infinite love that you didn’t expect from yourself. It’s making you selfless everyday, more humble, more sensitive, more aware of the world we live in.
You are starting to discover yourself through this selfless person in you. You meet yourself, the selfless you, and this is exactly when you are just starting to receive.
You didn’t expect to meet this new you, this woman inside of you who not only moans and cries but also, once in a while, says with surprise and happiness : “Oh my god, I love this child”.
Things are hard, but as your life is changing, your perspective is changing too. From this selfless love you are actually blessed with the discovery of another meaning to things and to life. You are given this chance to experience life in ways you’ve never imagined.
You are strong. You are stronger than ever. Yes tired and messy. But deeper.
The dark circles under your eyes are nothing compared to the strengh that you can feel in your ability to handle the situation.
Your heart is opening. You are less judgmental, more loving, more aware of the precarity of life, more aware of the time flying.
You might even be more aware of yourself because for the first time you are looking at yourself changing so quickly because of love.
No, having a baby is not a romantic love story. It’s a story of love.
You are a mother. And mothers are love.
When you have a baby, you are actually, without realising it, practicing karma yoga.
You are eating everyday spiritual food for the soul. Revealing the divine you.
And it is still raining but you have gradually accepted that your life is upside down because the ground is also a field of flowers. It just takes time for things to grow just like it takes time for us to accept the mother in us. And when it happens, when you finally accept, even if it’s only for a few minutes, the ground becomes flooded with flowers. Infinite colours of a heart opening to all.