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Un poil' enceinte et des poussiereuh

Month

March 2016

Mothers have dreams too

This text was written by my friend Ana Julia Escalante

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Ana Julia and her son Daniel

I just came back from a 5 days trip with my one and a half years son and the 4 sisters that life gave me, we decided to gather after 5 years of not seeing each other. We are all spread around the world between England, Germany, France, Spain and Lebanon.

We had plenty of time to talk, many things happened in the past 5 years; we are all on our early thirties so inevitably the question of having children came up. They said they are not ready, another reason was lack of money, lack of help around them, they don’t want to stop their careers they even got philosophical about how ugly is the world that we are leaving in right now and if it is worth it or not to keep on bringing children, the idea of adopting came in between the options.

Out of 5 friends I’m the only one who has a child, I have to confess “that it is tough to be a mum who wants to build a career at the same time”. Another confession  I’m struggling since I have no family around me, and my partner travels often, I work to pay the daycare, I wake up every morning thinking about the future of my child and I think also about the future of my child every time I watch the news, and of course I’m worried about the money, but I want to work and I want to build a career while building a family.

So I came into the conclusion that there is a lot of prejudice but even worse we are forced to choose between family or career, we live in a society that doesn’t give part time jobs, where the maternity leave is only 60 days but believe me if the mom’s head is with the children she won’t be performing at her best.

Meanwhile countries like Austria, Czech Republic, Finland and Hungary provide with a 3 year paid leave for mothers, Germany has introduced the parent’s salary to encourage women to stay home, other countries like New Zealand put emphasis on preschool education so they get moms back to work Britain, Germany, Japan and Switzerland are strong on mothers working part time.

Family and relatives play a big role also, one night I was coming here and had to leave my child with some relatives they were nice enough to keep my son with them but there was a price to be paid, the unnecessary comments before leaving they told me that I should slow down, that I was a mom that needed to rest and sleep, and to stop my activities. As if I should turn off my own life for good…

Another example : my son started the nursery so we had and adaptation period during those days I was late to work If I’m late it will be deducting it from my payment and my boss will make remarks that I’m being late giving a bad example to others.

Women are being judged by the same standard as man, we don’t want to be like man, we don’t want to be treated like them this is a misconception of equality, as a prove childless women in corporate America earn almost as much as men. Mothers with partners earn less and single mothers much less.

Even in the countries with family-friendly employment policies only 14% of the top five leadership positions are held by women, or even worse if we just consider the very top out of 500 companies there are only 24 female CEO.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not here to tell you that you should have children or not, I want to send a message from a working mom to tell you guys, husbands, partners, sons, companions, and also to you mothers, sisters, friends that we should respect the women right to decide if they want to participate in the motherhood path yes or no, and if they decide to do so let’s give them the tools, and give them our support, to keep going.

Yes we are moms, but mothers also have dreams, we want to climb to the top of the ladder to see what’s up there, women work represents an economic necessity rather than liberation.

Yes we are capable, we are prepared we just need the motivation, the comprehension and the trust to earn those credentials, we are ready to work, we can make a difference.

 

Life Shouldn’t Stop When You Have kids

 

photo 5.JPGWe are all tempted when we have kids to just dive in the experience, give everything we have, do all the things that we are required to do, drop all our dreams, sacrifice our time and wishes for ourselves, and then pretend that it’s normal, it’s the way when we have kids, when we become a family…..

If you are in a situation where you feel that you have ceased suddenly to exist for yourself, that all your decision making depends only of your kids and family, then you need to stop for five minutes and think twice.

Ask yourself :

When was the last time you did something only for yourself? Are you waking up with a purpose in life other than raising your kids, something that you love to do and that you’re still doing for the sake of your sanity? Do you still have dreams for you and not for them, dreams of you becoming whoever you want to become or accomplishing whatever you want to accomplish? Or have you just dropped everything ?

You might answer : I love just raising my kids, and if it’s the honnest truth, than let it be. Some women only want to raise their kids and that’s great, if it’s their choice.

But, if you are one of those mums who thinks that you should sacrifice it all, then know that :

-If you are happy, filled with energy and dreams, you will show your kids the example. No matter how hard you try to explain to them how important it is to follow our guts, our dreams, your kids will never believe you if they don’t see YOU fighting for your own dreams, for your own goals, if they don’t observe you with a purpose other than raising them (which is a great purpose if it’s the one you chose, but not if it’s one you are forcing yourself to do because you think you have no choice).

-By realizing yourself, you will let your kids realize themselves too. You won’t project on them what you have failed to give yourself in the first place. It’s a healthy selfishness. It’s about taking care of yourself the best you can so you can give the best version of yourself to your kids. You will not be asking them to be the doctor you wished you were or the artist you failed to become. You will let them be free of their choices because you were free of your own choices. You will teach them without even noticing the true meaning of freedom. The freedom of becoming who you ARE.

-When you follow your path, when you follow your guts, when you believe in the potential of life, when you believe in your own potential, in the options that life gives, you are setting a true example to your kids. You are showing them that if we believe in something hard, we can get it. You will teach them to wake up with a purpose, with a thirst for realizing and working towards realizing things. You will give them HOPE. But if you are just starring at life, no taking care of yourself and not even trying to reach your goal, your kids will integrate that everything is NOT possible. They may “succeed” in their life but they won’t have this deep belief that they can do ANYTHING. And believing that is the only attitude we should have toward life,because the more we believe it, the more it becomes true.

Yes. Believing that everything is possible is not just about words. It’s really an attitude to the world. When you meet people that believe that they can do anything, that they can climb mountains, that they can drop their job and follow their true passion, people who are not AFRAID to LIVE, you get inspired.

It’s just the same with your kids. If you take your life seriously and believe that you deserve to pursue whatever dreams you have, your kids will be inspired. And this is one of the best lesson and gift that you can offer them.

-It doesn’t matter if you succeed or not, what matters is the PATH, it’s the ATTITUDE. We never realise really when we’ve succeeded or not because all the time we were living the life we chose for ourselves and not a life that is choosing for us.

It’s really simple. If you don’t choose for yourself the life you want for yourself, other people will do it for you, life will do it for you. So it’s up to YOU only.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What the mothers want

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For days your phone and Facebook and all your social accounts have been bombarded with mother day’s gifts, quotes & articles. You’ve eaten a lot of it the past few days and you’re looking for a way to digest it all. So here the recipe. And I won’t be redondant and say that mother’s day is a daily celebration because to be honnest I don’t believe it can always be. I think sometimes it’s even pretty shitty.

But, then, the mother day can be the opportunity to talk about what the mothers WANT.

In a straight forward form.

So, Believe it or not, every mother, especially mothers of kids under the age of 3 are very very very TIRED. I wish there was another version of the word  “very” in the dictionnary but you see my point. They are just VERY.

Forget about some judgemental people who say that nowadays mothers complain too much about their tiredness. They  just don’t have a clue what they’re saying and if these people are men then they have absolutely NO CLUE. Mums are tired because contemporary conditions have changed and being a mum today is way more challenging than it used to be.

Don’t be tempted by the people who with assurance will tell you that in tribes or other countries or communities, mums hold their babies on their back, breastfeed the whole day, have the hard life, and that because of that we should feel happy and privileged. This is bullshit and this guilt trip they want the mothers to feel is not constructice in any way. When you want to compare two types of mothering or parenting or living, you need to compare what is comparable. Not just play on sensationnalism and manicheism way of looking as thing (the good, the bad). If our society is individualistic (and our society is) then it creates more hard work for the mums. That’s just it. If our society is into hard work and impossible schedule & working times, you have to take it into consideration. There are many other relevant points but we’ve talked about this already.

It’s really simple. I’ll make it simple. When a mother says I’m tired, tell her, yes I feel you, I understand you, I believe you and you are right. I can’t help really ( yes, try honesty), but I can LISTEN to you.

What mothers want first is AN EAR.

If you feel like a wave of humanity and compassion crossing your heart, you might want to push it. Then, it’s easy you can help a mother for an hour or two per week, you can suggest a good baby-sitter, you can sit with her kids and play with them while she’s busy with chores ( or with anything really like poo or pee), you can cook for her, you çan massage her (if she falls asleep, let her sleep). I’m talking here about anyone but you the husband who is reading me, you know I’m talking to u first.

Yes what mothers want is HELP.

And if you see that she’s depleting, that she has dark thoughts, that she’s not in the mood to do anything anymore, then take this mother seriously.

Because some mothers need a LOT OF HELP.

What mothers want is understanding, they want recognition, they want the government, the companies to understand that what they are doing is not simple, it’s a full time job that requires more energy than a whole army.

And i’ll prove you my point. Put a whole army in one room with a baby, and then see how it will affect their training.

They will loose their mind, believe it. They will want to kiss their mothers feet after that. But this is not what we’re asking for here right?

What mothers want is UNDERSTANDING & COMPASSION & RECOGNITION

It’s easy to offer flowers, to offer cards, to invite her over dinner, on the mother day. It really is.

What is harder is to FEEL with a mother. To offer her support, to offer her the one hour break she needs everyday. This is what I call truly celebrating the mother day. You don’t need to spend any money really, you just need to open your heart (and move your ass 🙂

Because what mother want is LOVE ….

And Love, we all know, is an everyday offert.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Le jour de la fête des mères

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Le jour de la fêtes des mères,

ne m’apporte pas de fleurs, de boite de chocolat, ou de lettres enflammées

J’aimerais juste avoir une petite heure pour moi

Pour prendre un café

Dorer au soleil

En silence,

 

Le jour de la fête des mères,

Ne dis pas que je suis la meilleure des mamans

C’est pas très sympa pour les autres

Et puis surtout ce n’est pas vrai…

La maternité c’est pas quelque chose qu’on fait bien ou pas

C’est quelque chose qu’on fait…

Et moi, je suis juste une mère

Je ne me défies pas moi-même

J’apprends lentement a aimer….

 

Le jour de la fête  des mères,

Offre moi une nuit de sommeil

Offre moi une nuit d’amour

Offre moi une nuit tout court

Offre moi ce que j’avais

Quand je n’étais pas encore une mère

Parce que parfois

j’ai besoin de me retrouver

 

Le jour de la fête des mères

N’oublie pas celles qui ne sont plus

Et qui ont encore quelque part

des enfants

Celles qui vivent encore

Dans leurs coeurs d’enfants

Ne dis pas : je suis désolée …

Dis leur que tu te souviendras toujours de leur mère

Que c’était une belle personne,

c’est vrai.

Our Wordless World

photo 3.JPGI’ve always wondered why, so often, I remain in silence with my daughter, unable to speak the langage of adults, producing weird sounds, inventing weirds words, and yet, feeling that I’m communicating with her.

Since she is born, I have invented at least 20 words that I continuously repeat to her whenever emotions emerge. These “words” are printed with music, full of life, locking a wide range of feelings. They are words that nobody- not even me- understands although they came out of me. They are the words that motherhood gave birth to. And motherhood can give birth to music.

My daughter still lives in a wordless world (at least in her way of being her externally) where communicating is still saying anything, being freed of any conventional kind of speaking, experiencing, speaking loud, refusing to speak.

She can say Kamoubibalou and everyone enjoys it. When she sees something that she loves, she yells: wawwww, or wooooww or wiwww. She has a range of different unknown words that are out of my reach and she says them with confidence and trust in life. She can say anything, any word, any syllable in any context. No one would dare saying : you cannot say that. Since she doesn’t speak yet, she’s allowed to say with musicality. It’s really interesting to observe how babies are connected to the sounds of music, to the art of the sound through the words, to their bodies vibrating while they say, to their mouth producing the wording.

I wish sometimes that we as adults had this awareness and the right to have this freedom of speech. To be able to say the things out of the heart and the openness rather than out of the logic and the convention. Allowed to sing maybe rather than have a cold conversation. Allowed to be natural, to be all love, all feelings.

How many among us have repressed in themselves this natural appeal to life? How many among us have stopped being themselves because being oneself is sometimes too much in a conventional society?

See, each sound produced by my daughter and I when we communicate, is shaped by love or by the feelings we have toward each other and that we cannot express with words of logic….For words were not enough together to make the sentences of love, we have invented our own langage….In our wordless world, where words are just expression of emotions,  because they are just what they are, it doesn’t matter that feelings have a name. What matters is that they are being expressed in the purest form of truth.

In our worldless world, there are so many cuddles, kisses, looks, giggles. And then sometimes there are also words….They are also words but they are not our main way of communicating…They are just friends, other friends, like cuddles, that make us closer….They are coming gradually, slowly, and never under the pressure of the necessity of being understood.

Being a very chatty person myself, and writing since ever, I have been lately impressed by the fact that with my child I’m not this person. I’m just not this talkative person.

She has taught me something else: the talk through the mouvements, through the looks, through the cuddles, through the silence and the possibility to invent a new langage that is the unique expression of our relationship. I think that in a way, she has taugh me not to think and speak but rather to feel and create.

She took me back to the time when I was a baby myself, and with my twin sister, we used to have our own langage like many twins do. We even spoke late. She took me back to this essence that was in me, that always was, and reminded me of my own childhood. See, our kids hold in themselves a part of us.

And being  a mother and being reborn is learning to speak again.

But this time, with the heart in it.

 

 

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